Letting Go and Starting Over
by likeit
Summary: Please Read Authors Note for Summary
1. Chapter 1

Don't own Law and Order Criminal Intent or any characters.

Authors Note: PLEASE READ THIS FIRST: Ok, I've been rattling around with this idea for a while now, but unfortunately I can't write the first scene. So.....here's my thought. I am going to briefly explain what has transpired in my mind and what I've written takes place after my summary. If anyone would like to read my summary and then write the first scene for me, based on my summary I'd love it. Let me know.

**Summary**: Alex and Bobby work really hard to get their partnership and friendship (not yet more than that, although we all know how they really feel about each other, so maybe later..) back to normal after all the horrible events of the past two years. For Alex, it's all about trust, and having Bobby understand he can't keep secrets from her. And it seems to be working well. But..one day Alex stops by Bobby's apartment unexpectedly and who answers the door? Donny and his mom. She asks how long they've been in town and Donny says two weeks. Alex is so stunned and hurt that Bobby didn't tell her, yet again. Alex decides, at this point, that Bobby has broken her heart too many times, as a partner and a friend, and no longer wants him in her life, as either. So this is where the story picks up.......

Letting Go and Starting Over

The wind was cold and the rain felt like little pebbles in his face. He stood there, in the rain, watching Alex walk quickly away from him. He didn't know what to say. He couldn't explain it himself. Why didn't he tell her? He thought about this and had no real answer._ Did he think she would turn Donny in? No, that wasn't it, he knew her loyalty was to him after everything that transpired. Was he afraid she would be angry that he let Donny back into his life? Again, no, he knew she understood how much it meant for him to still have some family connection, out there, somewhere. In fact, she had gently suggested, more than one time, that they hire a private investigator to find him. She even offered to pay. _So why then, did it come to this? Maybe he was just so set in his ways, so used to being let down, so used to not trusting, that he couldn't trust anyone. Not even her. Still, the look in her eyes, was...totally vacant. No emotion, no...nothing. It wasn't like when she found out he had been undercover. This time she didn't react, didn't shake her head, just looked from Donny to Bobby and turned her back and walked down his steps and away. He didn't know what to do...so he did..nothing. He knew that tomorrow he would have to face her anger and hurt and couldn't begin to imagine how to fix this. He got no sleep that night.

Alex kept walking, tears stinging her eyes. Somehow, she made it home in one piece. She looked in the mirror. What had she become? Let down again by a man, a friend, a partner, who despite everything she did for him still wouldn't trust her. She felt like a portion of the past eight years of her life were a waste. He was never going to change. He couldn't. And then, just like that, the tears stopped. She was done. She knew what she had to do. And Alex got one of the best nights sleep ever that night.


	2. Chapter 2

Letting Go and Starting Over

Chapter 2

The next morning Bobby walked into the bullpen early. He carried with him Alex's favorite pasteries and an extremely large and sweet coffee. He knew this wouldn't fix anything. But they had been through rough times before...surely they would get through this. He spent the entire night thinking about what to do...how to explain himself. He had no answers yet, but was going to do everything he could to make it right. He placed the coffee and the pasteries on her desk and saw her coat. She was already in the office. _Shit._ He looked around and his heart stopped. She was in with the Captain. Door closed. She was standing in front of his desk. She didn't look like she was agitated. Her posture was relaxed. He noted that every once in a while her hands would lightly touch the desk in front of her, as if she was making a point. He watched for Ross's reaction. He was gently nodding his head. Bobby looked away then. He felt like he was about to be called into the principals office. He heard the door open and saw Eames walking towards him. She stopped and glanced at the coffee and back up at Bobby. She had that same vacant look in her eyes. "Bobby, we need to talk"

"I agree, Eames..lets.."

"In the conference room." She said and walked away. Bobby got up and followed her, like a man waiting for his execution. She closed the door and he readied himself for a tirade. But none came.

"Bobby, I want you to know I've requested a new partner." He was stunned. No words came so she continued. "Ross said it will take a few weeks, so until then, I want to layout some ground rules." She paused, took a deep breath and continued. "Until that time, please don't speak to me about anything other than work. Don't buy me coffee. Don't call me. Don't ask me to lunch or dinner...or whatever."

"Alex...wait..no.." He panicked. His chest was tight and _dammit_ his eyes started to water.

"No. No more Bobby. I'm done. I've given you everything...everything I could. I have no more in me. In some ways, I've worked harder at this partnership...this friendship..than I did in my marriage. It's time for me to take care of _me._ It's been too long since anyone has put me first. Including you. I'm not angry. I'm just...done." With that she stood up and walked to the door. Then she stopped and turned around. "And Bobby...I didn't tell Ross about Donny. And I won't. But I'm not going to help you hide him." And with that she shut the door behind her.

Bobby stared at the door blankly. Then he very calmly, and quickly walked to the mens room.

And threw up.


	3. Chapter 3

Letting Go and Starting Over

A/N: For timeline sake, you have to assume this is taking place over a matter of weeks. Also, while Donny was the catalyst, he's not really vital to the story, so forgive my sweeping his part to side quickly.

Chapter 3

Every technique he ever learned on how to deal with stress failed him. At night, he would try to calm himself by using different breathing techniques. But when he closed his eyes, all he could see was Eames. He was trying to keep it together for Donny. But it was difficult.

They were being assigned new partners in three days. The past few weeks she had been all business...all the time. There were times when he thought for sure she would break, when she saw how he was drowning without her. He knew she heard the frantic phone calls from Donny. She watched as he argued with the Captain. But still. Nothing. It was like she was there...but was already gone.

He didn't believe her though, when she said she wasn't angry. She let a comment slip, just once. Martinez had been out with his partner and came back with an extra coffee. He put it on Eames's desk telling her it was a thank you for helping with his computer. She looked up at him, (knowing full well that Bobby was intently watching the interaction) and said "No thanks, Martinez. I don't like things that aren't good for me anymore." And tossed it in the garbage. Martinez just shrugged, but inside Bobby smirked. "Not angry my ass" he thought. That comment was directed at him. For a day or two, that comment actually gave him some hope. Oh, she was angry all right. And if there was anger, there was emotion. And emotions led to feelings.

So she still felt _something_ for him he thought. But after that comment, nothing.

//

Alex couldn't wait for her new partner. It wasn't the anticipation, or excitement about working with someone else. It was that she needed to get herself away from Bobby...immediately. Sometimes she could feel herself cracking. She would hear the desperation in his voice when he was on the phone with who she only assumed could be Donny. She could see the misery in his eyes whenever he tried to make eye contact with her. But every time she felt she was going to give in, she replayed the past two years in her head. Closing elevator doors in her face, questions that went unanswered, evasion..lies...time and time again. After she thought about these things, she felt stronger, her hurt returned, and she was able to put that wall back up.

In moments of clarity, when she was alone, in the darkness of her room she could admit that she missed him. Sometimes, more than she had missed Joe. And she would fall asleep wondering what that meant.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Again assume timeline is over a few weeks. Now about LOGAN. I know that he's leaving. Let's assume for story's sake that he had to give some notice. I needed to inject a bit of humor and also have a character intervene in some way that we all know. So, this is after Gage, obviously, but before Logan leaves.

Bobby:

_Dammit_ she seemed happy. Well..not happy. But happier. Lighter. And a part of him died when he realized that she actually seemed better without him. He would catch her on the phone and she would be smiling, a real smile that he hadn't seen in months. He would watch her interact with others, and she seemed more...comfortable. At the end of each day, she would simply say "See you tomorrow." His chest hurt as he realized he had no idea what she was doing after work lately. Any time he started to wonder if she was seeing someone, he squashed that thought down. Because, to his surprise, he cared more about what she was doing in her off hours, than the fact that she was no longer going to be his partner. That's when he realized he needed help.

Bobby started to see the shrink again. He needed fix this. He needed to fix himself, and then fix this thing with Eames. There was so much he wanted to tell her. He started to get his life in order. He put Donny in touch with a lawyer. He told the Captain that Donny was back, and in return, the Captain pulled in some favors to allow Donny out on bail, until a new hearing could be established. His buddy Lewis needed someone to watch the shop for a week while he was away, so Donny offered to do it. In return, Donny stayed at Lewis's place and called Bobby everyday.

Time was ticking away, and Alex still wouldn't speak to him about anything but business. He called her cell in off hours, hoping she would break down and answer. But she never did. He left her messages at home, but she never brought it up when they were at work. And the words she had said still reverberated in his head. "I'm done".

//

"Logan!" Ross bellowed from his office. "In here, now.". Logan sighed. "What now?" he thought. I haven't done anything wrong in like....he started to count on his fingers...

"Logan!"

"What's up Captain?"

"Shut the door"

Shit. "Did I do something wrong, sir?"

Ross sat down. Logan did the same.

"Logan, how much do you know about Eames?"

Logan shrugged. " Not much. Good cop, good detective. Puts up with Goren's shit, so must have the patience of a saint. And she can really down a margareheita...."

"Stop right there". "Effective immediately she's your new partner".

"You're leaving us in a month. I have to partner someone with Goren. I have to see how well Wheeler gets on with him. It will give me time to find someone new for Eames. Let's face it, she's a lot easier to work with. Goren needs someone who knows the ropes."

"Captain, I don't understand, did Wheeler complain?"

"No, Eames requested a new partner, and I am going to honor her request."

"Not for nothing, Captain, but I don't really need Goren standing over me..."

Ross sighed.

"No Goren. Just Eames." "And Logan, do me a favor, if you ever get to the bottom of why this request was made, could you let me in on it?"

"Okay. I guess. I don't really know what else to say."

"Get back to work then. And send in Eames....."

//

Goren paced back in forth in the elevator so nervous he could hardly contain himself. He didn't want a new partner. He shuffled his feet a bit. He was uncomfortable in his own skin. He had done a lot of thinking lately. About Alex. Eames. One and the same. But not really. That's part of what he's begun to see. He loves his job, but he loves it more because of his partner. Eames. She's a rock. She's intelligent. She gets him. He couldn't imagine a case without her. But, as much as he loves Eames, he _loves_ Alex. He loved that at the end of the day, he and Eames would leave work, and he gets to grab a bite or a drink with Alex. Yes, they're one and the same. But not really. Alex, is a caring, sensitive woman. She's selfless and patient. And beautiful. But, he shakes his head. He digresses. He's only just begun again with the shrink and he already he feels clear for the first time in his life. He's going to be open with Alex. About his life, his past, everything he's never told anyone. And, if he has the chance, he's going to tell her. He'll be more patient, more stable, more dependable. A little more by the book. Well, maybe not that. But, he'll try.

Ross walks out of his office. "Detective" he says looking over at Goren. "Would you please come in?". Goren gets up takes a deep breath, and promises himself that he will act contrite, apologize for everything, and thank the Captain for his support...and beg him to make Eames stay with him.

"Goren. You look well. How's it...uh...going?"

"Great. Captain, listen..."

"Goren, Eames is out on a case with Logan." He blurted out.

"Oh." _Did he just say Logan?_

"Captain, really, there is no need for you to split us up. None of this was Eame's fault I can...I will work this out."

"Goren. You've known this day was coming for four weeks." Bobby nodded and looked down.

"Look, Goren, I'm partnering you with Wheeler for the time being. We'll figure this out. We'll find you a new partner. But, don't start in with her. Or Logan. Just..leave it alone. OK?"

More silence. Then, Bobby nodded and walked out to his desk.

//

"All I'm saying Logan, is that you didn't have to get so angry so quickly at the guy. We don't even know if it's him. He'll never talk to us now....since- What?". She looked back as Logan had stopped dead in his tracks before entering the bullpen.

"Goren"

"I told you, this has nothing to do with.."

Logan placed his hands on her shoulder and turned her towards the bullpen. "I mean, Goren. He's over there."

"Yeah, so?"

" I just think your partner won't take too kindly to.."

She put her hand up. "You're my partner Logan".

"Riiiiight."

"Let's go"

Eames and Logan walked in, and Goren's head jerked up. Logan walked up to his desk.

"Ah..Goren." he bent down low to whisper "This thing" he waved between Alex and himself "not my idea."

Goren looked back at him. "I know Logan. I know. Did she say..."

"Hey, Logan, want to get your butt in gear here?" Eames called from her desk.

Logan rolled his eyes.

//

"Eames...can I have a word?" Goren asked. Alex sighed.

"I see no point."

"Please?" Was all he asked

"Fine. Conference room."

He shut the door behind them and turned on her. Before he could stop himself, he blurted out "What am I supposed to do now?"

She laughed bitterly. "See, Goren. There you go. What are _you_ going to do?" All about you. All the time".

He tried to reign his thoughts in. He wanted to tell her everything that was going through his head. He wanted to apologize. Hell, he was ready to beg. He was about to speak when Logan poked his head in.

"Alex...some of us are headed out to Mc'Ginnteys. You comin?"

"Yeah. Just give a minute ok."

Bobby looked at her, perplexed and suddenly angry. "McGinnteys. You don't even like that place." He said.

"No, see, Bobby. That's just it. _You're_ the one who doesn't like McGinnteys. Not me." And she turned and walked away. Bobby just stared after her.

//


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Last publish for tonight, maybe the weekend. Places to go, people to see, my daughters soccer, ect... Anyway...I hope this is working for you all.

Letting Go and Starting Over

Chapter 5

"Really, Eames. Don't you think you've had enough? Three margaritas in an hour and a half. Not for nothing sweetheart, but I don't think someone your size..." Alex glared at him. "You have something to say about my size Mike? Because you _know _I can drink you under the bar and still walk a straight line". She took another gulp. "And don't call me Eames outside of work."

"Riiight. So, tell me ALEX, how do you think our first week has gone so far?" "How do I compare to the big guy?" He smirked

"Who exactly are you referring to Mike?" She asked squinting

"You know damn well who. Goren. Bobby. Your partner, friend, (and he leaned down and whispered) and whatever else he is to you. Why did you give up on him? Cut him loose?"

Alex put down her drink and looked long and hard at Mike. Then she sighed and pulled him over to a small, secluded table.

"Mike, you ever been married?"

"No, haven't been lucky enough to meet the future ex-Mrs. Logan yet". He smirked "Why?"

"Well, I have. You know about my husband. Right? Joe?"

"Yes" he answered seriously

"The thing about marriage, I mean, the great thing about marriage is, that it's a partnership. Each person has their quirks, their annoying habits, their good points and their bad. Joe had this horrible habit of leaving soda cans all over the house. Everywhere. The coffee table, the end table, the bedroom, even the bathroom. I hated it. I used to have to go through the house everyday with a garbage bag and throw out the empty cans. And we would fight about it. But see, Joe loved soda. So I bought it for him anyway". She got a wistful look in her eyes and continued. " And I love skittles. Joe would constantly complain about finding skittles everywhere. Even in bed. But every night that I pulled a late shift during vice, I would come home to find a bag of skittles waiting for me. Without fail. Because he knew I loved them".

"Eam..Alex. No offense, but what does this have to do with Goren?"

"I'm getting there. Partnering with Goren is like a marriage with only the soda cans. No skittles."

Logan was trying, really trying to get it. But. No. Nope, not making any sense. Alex sighed. "It's always about Bobby, Mike. Never about me."After awhile, I just want someone to care about me. To ask me what I want. To know what I need. I want someone to buy me skittles."

"Hey..I've seen Goren buy you skittles..."

"Yeah. When _he_ feels like it. Not for any other reason."

Logan nodded briefly. "But why now Alex? Why right now, after Gage, and everything?"

"He never told me about his undercover job. Not one damn phone call. That whole time. And then, all he has to say is 'sorry'". She took a deep breath and continued. "And...he's kept other things from me as well. Things that I won't go into. It hit me then. This partnership, this friendship, this...whatever. I'm an afterthought. If that. I want, no, I deserve more than that. Don't you think?" She looked up him with glistening eyes.

"Yes, kiddo. I think you do."

They both drank their drinks silently for the next hour.

//

Bobby Goren sat silently in the corner of McGinnteys nursing a beer. He'd been there the better part of two hours now, luckily not one cop noticed him as he slid in. He was watching Alex and Logan. She seemed...what?...happy? No, she wasn't laughing a lot, although she seemed to be enjoying Logan's company, which made him feel like crap. And what the hell did she mean by saying that _he_ was the one who didn't like McGinntieys. Didn't she understand? After all these years? It wasn't that he didn't like McGinnteys. It was just that he prefered to go somewhere after work where no one knew them. Where they could just be Bobby and Alex, not Goren and Eames. Where they could sit together and drink, or eat, and talk about their days. Talk about her nephew, her family. He could sit and stare at her, listen to her go on and on, laugh at her jokes, and just...relax. Was it not the same for her? No, he couldn't have been wrong about that. So he waited. He waited and watched Mike and Alex weave their way out the bar. He watched (and sighed with relief) when Mike put her in a cab and watched it drive off.

Mike Logan was plastered. He laughed bitterly to himself about the hangover he would have in the morning. He started down the street when a hand grabbed his jacket collar from behind.

"What the..hey, buddy, I'm a co..." he clumsily reached for his badge.

"Relax Logan. I just want to talk". Bobby stood straight up in front of Logan

"Geez Goren, what gives?" Logan stumbled a bit for a second, and Bobby grabbed his arm to keep him from falling.

"I just want to talk." He repeated. "Let's grab coffee. You're gonna need plenty anyway".

"Whatever.." They walked (and Logan weaved) silently in the cold a few blocks until they came to a diner. They moved over to a booth and Bobby ordered two coffees and toast.

"So, what's going on with Alex?" Bobby delved right in. "What did she say? He assaulted Mike with questions.

Mike, still heavily feeling the effect of the liquor rubbed his head and tried to think.

"I don't know. Something about soda cans and you not letting her eat skittles in bed".

Bobby stared blankly.

"What?"

"Look, Bobby, I don't really remember. Some story about her husband liking soda and her liking skittles. I think....wait...maybe she wants you to buy her skittles? Have you ever done that.."

Bobby gave a frustrated sigh. Logan was hard enough to decipher sober sometimes. Drunk he was damn near impossible.

Bobby made sure Logan drank several cups of coffee. Went to the drugstore, gave Logan some aspirin, and put him in a cab. No Answers tonight. And yet, one more night without Alex.

//


	6. Chapter 6

Bobby awoke after only sleeping two hours. He tried reading, watching tv, even looking through his old photos, but nothing did it. Finally he showered and tried to figure out how he was going to face the weekend. Or Monday. Or his life. Without Alex. "What the hell happended?" he asked out loud. He sighed. Went to the door to get the paper. When he opened it he was surprised to find a very tired looking, disheveled Mike Logan standing there.

"Hey"

"Hey. Mike, what are you..." He looked over Logan's shoulder

"Forget it Buddy, She ain't here. You got coffee?" Logan walked in past Bobby.

"Sure. Mike, why are you here?" he walked to coffee pot.

"Well, funny thing. I remembered something Alex said last night. Not really what she said, but I think I know what she meant."

"Mike, Is this about the skittles, because..."

"Skittles? What? Look, Whatever.. This is what I think. I think Eames..._Alex_ is in love with you."

Bobby's Jaw dropped. "What makes you say...I mean...did she say..." Logan held his hand up.

"Wait. She didn't say it. It's just, I get the feeling she was comparing your partnership to her marriage. She was talking about her husband, and how good partnerships work because each person does things for the other. Even things they don't want to do. And Goren...I gotta ask..when was the last time you did something just for her? I mean, I'm just an outside observer, but it seems to me that in the past, it's always Eames running behind you. With a perp, a suspect, whatever. She cleans up your messes after you fight with the captain. Hell, she even put her career in jeopardy for you. So what do you do? You don't even freaking tell her about being undercover."

"But.."

Logan held up his hand again. "No, listen to me. She was crazed while you were on suspension. _Crazed._ Did you even know she was put on desk duty for two weeks? Did you even call to see how she was?" Bobby looked down. Logan took a deep breath and continued.

"You remember that time at the firehouse, Wheeler and I got into a mess of trouble. Wheeler, she didn't deserve the punishment. She didn't even deserve the reprimand. But she was my partner, so, she backed me up. I expected it, but I was grateful anyway. I said 'thank you'. I even bought her some damn plant to show my appreciation. Because that's what partners do".

"Mike, I don't think you can compare your 1 year partnership with Wheeler to my.."

"I'm not. And I wouldn't presume to think that you have always taken advantage of your partner. But somewhere you and Alex stepped over that line. This thing with Tates. Wheeler, Falacci, they would **never **do something like that for me. Because at the end of the day, we're partners. And that's all we are. That line is there and always in view".

"What is your point?"

"My point, my friend, is that Alex is no longer thinking of you as her partner. She angry because she wants you to show that you care on a whole different level. She wants to know she _matters_. Now, how many _work partners_ do you think care like that?"

"I love her."

Mike nodded. "Yah, I kind of figured that out my first week at major case".

"Am I that obvious?" Bobby lauged

"Only to me. I think. And only because I'm jealous. But, don't let that get around, 'Kay? Otherwise, I'll be forced to tell Alex that you were stalking her Friday night." He smirked. Then got serious. "Fix this Bobby. Because number one, you both need each other. And number two, She is a real pain in the ass for a partner..."

"Hey. You're talking about the woman I love." Bobby punched Mike lightly in the arm.

"How about that coffee?"


	7. Chapter 7

Letting Go and Starting Over

Chapter 7

A/N: OK, what you've all been waiting for. Bobby grows a spine.

10:40 Saturday Morning:

Alex let out a sigh and pulled herself off the couch. Her hangover was pretty much gone, and she debated whether she should call Logan and thank him for last night, or call Logan and chew him out for letting her drink that much. But even though she wasn't _exactly_ sure what she said, she knew the gist of it. And it felt good to get all that off her chest. Still, the emptiness of not having Bobby in her life anymore was still there. Ever present. In some ways, worse than when Joe died. Because with Joe, there was a finality to it. Let's face it. Dying pretty much negates any chance that you'll run into that person on a daily basis. But Bobby was there, and was going to be there, in her face, almost everyday. She willed herself to the shower. She willed herself to get dressed. And she wondered, how long would it be before she didn't have to will herself to do anything? To simply do, without thinking of Bobby.

//

Bobby showered and got dressed. Today is the day he gets his life back, because today was the day he would get Alex back. Mike definitely clarified a few things for him. And now it was time he clarified a few things to her. _For her._ He thought about it for a long time after Mike left. The fact that Mike thought Alex loved him back was something that he wasn't expecting, but now, at least, he could understand her anger on a different level.

However, he needed to point a few things out to Alex as well. She wasn't an innocent in their downward spiral of the past few years. She wasn't the only one shut out and rejected. She had a part in all this too. It was almost as if he could feel his spine starting to get straighter. He put on his coat and left his house, determined to get the results he wanted by the end of the day.


	8. Chapter 8

Letting Go and Starting Over

Chapter 8

Alex sighed for the hundreth time that morning and started to get her things together. She figured, if anyone could get her out of this funk, it would be her nephew. She grabbed her coat and pocketbook and opened the door. Right into Bobby's chest.

"Goren. What are you doing here?"

Bobby looked directly into her eyes. "I need to talk".

Alex looked down and back up at him. "I have nothing more to say to you." She shot back

"Which part of _**I **_need to talk did you not understand?" He raised his voice and continued. "Not you. _**Me**__._" He pushed his way inside.

"Hey..I was just.." He didn't let her finish

"You. Will. Listen. To. Me." He pointed his finger at her. She slammed the door shut and stood there glaring at him. He would have laughed at the site of her, had he not been so determined. She continued to stand there, hands on hips, glaring at him. So he took his coat off and headed to the kitchen.

"Where's the pizza menu?" He asked

"You're not staying." She said back

"The regular ok?" He ignored her and called in the order.

"You know, your people skills have clearly eroded you again. What part of my welcome made you think I want you here?"

"Sit Down."

"Excuse me? Isn't this my house?"

"Sit Your ASS down".

She raised her eyebrows, but shook off her coat and sat at the very edge of the couch, far from him. Bobby sat down on the other side of the couch, but stood up again. He began pacing.

"Goren.."

"Listen. He looked up at her. I know I've been a really _shitty_ friend lately, and at times, an unreliable partner. I've been selfish, and surly, and closed off...."

"Hmph. You think?...And I'll tell you another thing Goren.."

"This is ME talking here. Not you. You've apparently said all you need to, so now it's my turn. So SHUT UP."

"Hey..." She stood up "Don't you talk to me like that in my house! Geez, I don't know who you think you are.."

"I'll tell you who I am. I am your friend and your partner. I am not a 'thing, or possession' that you decide you don't need anymore and throw away like garbage. You think you're the only one who's in this partnership...friendship? You think you're the only one who's worked hard at this?" He looked at her and when he saw that she was waiting for him to continue he took a deep breath. "I've worked harder at this...this..relationship...than anything in my entire life. And yes. I've fucked up."

"Big time." She said as she sat back down.

"I know." He relented. "I know. But...Alex...I am not the only one who's been shut out. I am not the only one who's kept secrets..."

"What secrets have I kept? When have I pushed you away?" She demanded

"Gee...I don't know Alex...why don't we begin with your nephew?"

Her mouth hung open and she was about to say something when the bell rang.

"Pizza's here" Bobby said, and went to answer the door.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: I am making the pretend assumption that Bobby had a chance to watch Eames interact with Kevin Quinns wife Theresa, it just goes with the story.

Letting Go and Starting Over

Chapter 9

"You're actually hungry." She rolled her eyes

"Yes." He said simply and started into the pizza

"Classic Avoidance"

He raised his eyebrows at her and she smirked ever so slightly

"Yeah, I know a few things about psychology too, Goren. What the hell do you mean..about my nephew." She stood over him as he wiped his mouth.

He pointed a finger at her "After he was born..you..you..you were never the same. Do you know I spent months reading about surrogacy? I was ready to help you with whatever you needed. But everytime I asked, it was 'I'm fine Bobby. Let it alone Bobby. It's no big deal Bobby. I don't want to be a mother, anway Bobby'. What a crock of shit. I tried, but you never let me in. I see those wistful looks you give people with children. I saw the way you interacted with that..that..whatshername..the deaf cousin of that guy who killed the doctor. You saw that baby and your entire face softened. But It's always been like that. Stoic Eames. You have so many walls around you, you can't even get past them yourself. You've never fully recovered from that depression.".

"How dare you...that's not the same thing as you..you..." Her face was turning red now. But Bobby was on a roll. He stood up and began to pace. "Oh yeah, and let's not forget my reopening_ Joe's_ case." She flinched at the mention of her late husbands name. It didn't go unnoted. "See there you go. You flinched again. You flinched every single time I used his name. Other than your voice cracking once, I never saw you break down. The whole damn time. Oh no...let me rephrase that..I saw you break down...to the widow, Theresa. The same woman who you told me shut you out after Joe died. Could you let me, your partner, your friend for the past eight years in...did you come to me? No."

"But.."

"And it's not like you didn't let me know you resented my butting in. Oh no...you told me it was "too late" when I asked if you were sorry you partnered with me. "Too late. What the hell did that mean?"

She was yelling by now, damn the neighbors. "YOU NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR MOTHER! YOU LET ME FIND OUT BECAUSE YOU TOLD THAT WILENSKY ABOUT IT IN FRONT OF ME! TALK ABOUT SHUTTING SOMEONE OUT."

He was in her face now too "YOU WROTE A LETTER ABOUT ME AND NEVER TOLD ME! I FOUND OUT IN COURT, IN FRONT OF CARVER AND THE REST OF THOSE SUITS. YOU KEPT THAT LITTLE SECRET FROM ME." He screamed

She stood still at that and bit her lip. She fell into the chair next to her. "I said..I said I was sorry about that." She said softly. "It still doesn't excuse all the times you've kept things from me."

He fell into the chair next to her. "I know."

She breathed deeply and asked the question she always wanted to ask "Why didn't you tell me about Brady? Why didn't you tell me he was your father? Why did I have to find out that you even _suspected_ that from Ross, of all people?"

He rubbed his hands down his face and sighed.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Okay, so I was going to delve into Brady. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that most of their problems seemed to begin after Blind Spot. Now, I know CI isn't a soap opera, but I always felt that more should have been said about that time. I mean, even if there are no romantic feelings between them on the show (?), as friends and partners, wouldn't they need to talk about it sometime? So anyway, I decided that this had to be the turning point of the conversation. Thanks for all your reviews, love them!

Letting Go and Starting Over

Chapter 10

He sighed. She was waiting for an answer. Why didn't he tell her? He was about to start to _try_ and explain when she continued. All of the sudden her voice was like steel and he could see her visibly shaking.

"And...as if it wasn't bad enough finding out about your father from Ross, I find out you told Gage. You told Declan Gage. The man whose daughter kidnapped me and almost killed me. You kept in touch with that Son of a bitch. HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?" But that wasn't what she really wanted to say. He sighed again. If they were going to do this, then it would be now. He finally dared to ask her what he never had before. "What are you really trying to say Alex. C'mon. That's not why you're mad. You've been holding in the truth a long time. Say it." He stood up to his full height. "SAY IT ALEX."

She stood up and slapped him hard in the face and screamed "WHERE WERE YOU?" Tears were streaming down her face now. "WHY DIDN'T YOU FIND ME? WHERE WERE YOU?" she began hitting him, pounding at him, she was completely outside of herself. She ranted and raved at him until she had nothing left. Then she said quietly "And even after all that Bobby, after everything, you still didn't trust me enough to tell me about Brady".

He lowered his head to hide his eyes, and said softly "And you didn't trust me enough after your kidnapping to talk to me. Why?"

She fell back on the couch, totally exhausted and he sat down next to her. He dared to look at her and continued "I wanted to be there for you, but you pushed me away. Maybe not purposely, but you did. That's when things started to go downhill for us. I just wanted you to turn to me. I felt guilty enough, and then.." Alex cut him off and softened her voice as well.

"But see...Bobby...that's just it. You felt guilty. And I couldn't...didn't want to..couldn't alleviate your guilt _and _work on making myself better, so I chose the latter. So I shut you out". And then, everything became clear to her for the first time. She looked at him and said very slowly "You thought _I_ didn't _trust_ you anymore. That's why you didn't tell me about your mom. That's why..." He cut her off

"No, Eames. No. I didn't want to burden you..."

"No Bobby. You said so yourself. That's when things started to go downhill for us."

" I trusted you Alex. With everything in me. When you were taken, well, we've talked about it before. But...you need to know...I was angry at you too."

Alex recoiled as if he had slapped her but he continued quickly. "It wasn't your fault. But..all my life, anyone I was supposed to have trusted has left me, let me down. I was angry at you _because_ I trusted you. You, a person so...so...opposite me. I came to depend on you more than I ever realized."

"Bobby.."

He got up and began to pace, making Alex nervous. "Bobby..sit...let's..."

"No. No. This is it". He took a deep breath. "When you were taken, I realized that I was in love with you..Alexandra Eames.... a by-the-book, grounded, sarcastic, woman who has more honor in her pinky than I have in my entire six foot four inch frame, had stolen my heart without my even realizing it. That I trusted you more than anyone. And then..th..then, when I got you back, I was ready to share it all with you, without even knowing if you loved me, and then...." he wiped at his eyes "you shut the door on me. _**You didn't trust me**_**. **And, well, as they say, the rest is history. We deteriorated before my eyes. We've been hanging on by a thread. My suspension, undercover work, everything. How could I possibly tell you about Brady? It may have been the scissor to cut the thread. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Alex. I wish I had told you. I wish I had come to you the day Donny came back. But I've been so messed up."

There was silence in the room then for what seemed like an eternity. Then she spoke.

"Did you just say you loved me?"


	11. Chapter 11

Letting Go and Starting Over

Chapter 11

Bobby reached behind his head and nervously scratched.

"Did you just say you _love_ me?" She squinted at him

"Yes. I did. But, really, is that all you got out of this conversation?" He waved his arms wildly around. "That's all you heard? Really?"

"Well excuse me Detective. It's not everyday that I hear that. I guess I'm sort of...in shock."

"_Really_?" He crossed his arms and looked at her suspiciously. "_Really, Alex_. 'Cause, I think you've known how I feel for a long time. Actually. I think, you've been aware of my feelings longer than _I _have." He thought he could see the beginnings of a smirk forming, but she quickly covered it up. "And...I know you love me. So don't even try to deny it."

"Hey! There you go again, making all kinds of assumptions. What _you_ know. What _you_ feel. All about you again. You are so egotistical Goren."

"Deny it."

"Not the point." She looked away from him

"What's the point, then?"

She moved closer to him, pulled his wrist down and didn't let go. "The point...The point is that I don't care who your father is. I don't care that your mother was crazy. I don't care that your brother was a drug addict. The point is that I would have thought that after everything we've been through, you would get that I'm not leaving."

"But you did. You left! That's why we're in this situation to begin with!"

She sighed. "Bobby. You really hurt me. When I saw Donny at the door, and found out you'd been hiding him for two weeks, I felt...rejected. Left out. Pushed away, again. You didn't trust me". He looked as if he was about to say something, so she put her hand over his mouth

"And, yes, _now_ I get the fact that my being abducted scared you, because in your own, weird way, it scared you that you did trust me so much, and then I was gone. Am I getting this right?"

He nodded. And then she took a really deep breath. She moved her hands to the sides of his face and looked right into his eyes.

"You are difficult and moody and impatient.."

"Yeah. A real prize." He turned away, but she moved his face forward again

"impatient..and...kind. And wonderfully brilliant. Charming. Handsome. Loyal. Yes. You are a _real prize. _I do love you Bobby. So much. _"_

"So that's it? All's forgiven?"

"No. I didn't say that. We have to work on your trust issues. And we have to work on tearing down walls. The operative word being _WE."_

He nodded. They sat in silence for almost a half hour. Each with their own thoughts. Finally, Bobby broke through.

"Can...Can I kiss you? Like, for real?"

"I wish you would."

He kissed her, and she kissed him back and they sat that way for a long time, both wanting to take it further, but knowing they should take it slow.

They sat together on the couch, leaning into each other. Eventually, the exhaustion of the day got the better of them and they fell asleep on each other. Around midnight, Bobby woke up. He glanced down at Alex who was fast asleep. He caressed her face a little, noting the makeup smudges from the tears that had dried a few hours ago. The half empty pizza box laid on the table. The only light coming in was the light from the kitchen.

"Alex. Alex...C'mon. Wake up." He gently shook her

"Mmmm? What time is it?"

"After midnight. Do you want me to go? I can lock up behind me."

"Mmmm. No. Don't go. Stay". She looked at him with sleepy eyes and then closed them again.

"I can stay on the couch."

"'Kay."

He waited.

"Alex. You're not moving. I said _I'll_ stay on the couch."

She didn't open her eyes. "I'll stay with you." She mumbled

"It's kind of small. My hands may wander..."

"S'ok Bobby". She opened her eyes again "I trust you."

She fell back asleep and Bobby stayed awake for a while, just laying with her. He began going over the day in his head. For the first time he felt they had truly let go of the past. All the insecurities and anger seemed to be fading. Nothing was totally solved. He knew it wouldn't be easy. He looked at the way she was sleeping so peacefully in his arms and realized this was a new beginning for him and for her, and...for them together. They were starting over from a good place. He felt vulnerable, but that was ok. For the first time, his vulnerability wasn't marked with a fear of rejection, or pain.

His eyes began feeling heavy. As he was falling asleep, he mumbled "I trust you too Eames".

She smiled in her sleep.

-end-


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